I've started to see more and more complex and interesting cases in the clinic as the days go by, and already I feel my moral compass being tested. You never really know how you would handle a situation until you are faced with it, because until you are faced with it, it wouldn't even occur to you that it could even happen. I feel like there is this part of me that goes into autopilot when I have to make quick decisions. Obviously, these decisions are not about anything important at this point in time as a first year student, but I'm learning to trust myself and follow my initial gut feeling to wherever it leads me. It's as though I am equipped with this invisible meter that that whenever I'm faced with a situation, I go through all the options in my head at light speed, and the arrow immediately tips to "yes" or to "no". No hesitation, no looking back. Later on I reflect on how I handled things and am often happy. However, there are times I realize "whoops, shouldn't have done that, this would have been better", and feedback from my preceptor validates these thoughts. Either way, I'm definitely learning things about myself and where I stand on certain issues.
Once again, I cannot reiterate how amazing it is that we are all walking around without too many problems. But when things go wrong, boy do they go wrong. While alone with the patient suffering from a slew of illnesses, (the doctor went to find a nurse to draw blood) I tried to talk about cheerful subjects like grand children to take their mind off the situation. Happy at first to talk about the subject, the patient suddenly expressed sadness in not being able to watch them grow up. Completely caught off guard, all that came out of my mouth was "aww". The patient looked at me sternly, repeated the initial statement, and explained how fed up they were with feeling sick and that they could pass away at any moment.
At this point I had no idea what to say. I just let the words linger, both of us alone in silence. Sometimes you just have to let the silence happen and appreciate the moment for what it is. A moment. A moment of complete vulnerability. A moment of fear. A moment of life. A moment that shook me, but at the same time, I got to be apart of it and for that I am thankful (and the patient seemed to be grateful too).
Once again, I cannot reiterate how amazing it is that we are all walking around without too many problems. But when things go wrong, boy do they go wrong. While alone with the patient suffering from a slew of illnesses, (the doctor went to find a nurse to draw blood) I tried to talk about cheerful subjects like grand children to take their mind off the situation. Happy at first to talk about the subject, the patient suddenly expressed sadness in not being able to watch them grow up. Completely caught off guard, all that came out of my mouth was "aww". The patient looked at me sternly, repeated the initial statement, and explained how fed up they were with feeling sick and that they could pass away at any moment.
At this point I had no idea what to say. I just let the words linger, both of us alone in silence. Sometimes you just have to let the silence happen and appreciate the moment for what it is. A moment. A moment of complete vulnerability. A moment of fear. A moment of life. A moment that shook me, but at the same time, I got to be apart of it and for that I am thankful (and the patient seemed to be grateful too).
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