Last week, for the first time since I started medical school I felt profoundly disappointed in myself. I wasn't true to myself and I didn't take care of myself because I felt peer pressure. Peer pressure that I was warned about and that I always thought I would able to resist. Peer pressure that I created out of my own insecurity and ended up giving into.
I was shadowing the delivery room with one of my fellow colleagues. The experience was only expected to last 2-3 hours and then I was free to go. But like everything else in medicine, things rarely go as planned. Very shortly after arriving in my over-sized scrubs, I was thrust into a heated discussion about pregnancy, delivery, and abortion; one that I wasn't quite ready to have so early in the evening. While lost in the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, my attending asked me a rhetorical medical question about my personal health. Not realizing the rhetorical nature of the question, I replied earnestly which I realized immediately by their reaction was not the right thing to do. An awkward silence fell between us and from that moment on I felt that I had to make up for it and prove myself to them. That became an uphill battle as the evening progressed since it seemed like my colleague and attending had some kind of connection. I felt that they had more in common, that the attending always found my answers to questions lacking in comparison to my colleague's.
After several hours of waiting, my watchful eyes turned to the patient board; no one was fully dilated and ready to deliver. I decided that I was ready to go home... until I found out my colleague was planning to stay all night to see a delivery. With the approving nod from my attending, I felt trapped. I immediately became self-conscious and worried that it would look bad if I left early. I struggled with myself, already the victim of a week of sleep deprivation. I desperately wanted to go to bed but my fear of not looking "good enough" took hold of me and I decided to stay. At around half past midnight, with no deliveries in sight, I finally had to courage to leave.
I was shadowing the delivery room with one of my fellow colleagues. The experience was only expected to last 2-3 hours and then I was free to go. But like everything else in medicine, things rarely go as planned. Very shortly after arriving in my over-sized scrubs, I was thrust into a heated discussion about pregnancy, delivery, and abortion; one that I wasn't quite ready to have so early in the evening. While lost in the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, my attending asked me a rhetorical medical question about my personal health. Not realizing the rhetorical nature of the question, I replied earnestly which I realized immediately by their reaction was not the right thing to do. An awkward silence fell between us and from that moment on I felt that I had to make up for it and prove myself to them. That became an uphill battle as the evening progressed since it seemed like my colleague and attending had some kind of connection. I felt that they had more in common, that the attending always found my answers to questions lacking in comparison to my colleague's.
After several hours of waiting, my watchful eyes turned to the patient board; no one was fully dilated and ready to deliver. I decided that I was ready to go home... until I found out my colleague was planning to stay all night to see a delivery. With the approving nod from my attending, I felt trapped. I immediately became self-conscious and worried that it would look bad if I left early. I struggled with myself, already the victim of a week of sleep deprivation. I desperately wanted to go to bed but my fear of not looking "good enough" took hold of me and I decided to stay. At around half past midnight, with no deliveries in sight, I finally had to courage to leave.
My colleague was doing nothing wrong wanting to stay, they were simply showing a love and passion for seeing all aspects of medicine; something I would most likely have done at their age. But my priorities and my health have changed, and self-care will always be my number one priority. This experience taught me that I will need to show that I can take initiative, be a team player, and go above and beyond DURING my shifts so that when I need to take care of myself after a long day, I will have the confidence to be assertive and leave.
Medicine is a career path riddled with self-sacrifice and self-care has been tossed out the window like the smoking remains of dead cigarette. How can we care for others when we cannot care for ourselves? The system needs to change and we need to be the ones to change it. We need more doctors, nurse practitioners, and healthcare professionals working in teams so that everyone can work reasonable hours and no one person is left crumbling under the weight of managing too many patients at time. As a lone individual I am like low grade inflammation; not too worrisome, not exciting, and almost undetectable. But look back in 30 years and the terrain that I have traversed will be almost unrecognizable.
Medicine is a career path riddled with self-sacrifice and self-care has been tossed out the window like the smoking remains of dead cigarette. How can we care for others when we cannot care for ourselves? The system needs to change and we need to be the ones to change it. We need more doctors, nurse practitioners, and healthcare professionals working in teams so that everyone can work reasonable hours and no one person is left crumbling under the weight of managing too many patients at time. As a lone individual I am like low grade inflammation; not too worrisome, not exciting, and almost undetectable. But look back in 30 years and the terrain that I have traversed will be almost unrecognizable.
