Medical Leave - I had a feeling this was where I was going, it was only a question of when not if. After struggling throughout the entirety of my medical degree, I was diagnosed with ADHD and another learning difficulty - both which had been missed my whole life because I was smart and externally appeared to compensate.
But the inside never matched the outside. People saw good grades and conscientiousness on the outside; whilst anxiety and impostor syndrome because of my difficulties lurked on the inside. People used to compliment me on how organized I was with my to do lists and notes; little did they know that I would be completely dysfunctional without them. The streamlined conveyor belt that is medical school allowed no room for learning differences. You were expected to learn in certain ways, meet milestones at certain times, and all the feedback I received was "compared to others at your level". While I understand the challenges faced when trying to train hundreds of doctors in a timely fashion, this system did more harm than good for me. It made me feel like I didn't deserve to be there and I gradually developed anxiety about trying to "be like everyone else".
Being diagnosed in my final year of medical school did not afford me much time to deal with these challenges before starting residency. The bar was raised, responsibility increased, hours increased, yet I had few more insights on how to work around my limitations.With each passing month, I felt myself falling ever more behind. The same criticisms day in and day out. "Your performance is not where we would expect it for someone at your level". The anxiety continued to grow as I became more and more fearful about not meeting others' expectations. After months of crippling anxiety, the negative feedback slowly started to infiltrate deeper and deeper. The sun shone a little less brighter, exercise gave a little less high, each day I had a little less energy. But it all seemed to so justified, I mean who wouldn't feel that way working 80h work weeks? When you are working crazy hours, anything you are feeling seems justifiable. Too tired to cook, too tired to go to the gym, too tired to eat, too tired shower. But it wasn't until I got physically sick that I realized how unwell I'd actually become.
I took a few weeks off to recover physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I decided behavioural intervention was no longer sufficient and made the difficult choice to start medication to treat my ADHD and the associated comorbidities. I saw a quote somewhere that really stuck with me "If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, storebought is fine". Like anything else it was trial and error until I found something that worked for me. I'm not out of the woods yet and I still don't have all the answers but if my time off has taught me anything it is that there is a place for people with disabilities in medicine. We add a whole new layer of insight, wisdom, and diversity to the field. These differences should be embraced instead of being seen as a hindrance or inconvenience.
Not everyone will experience their disabilities the same way, but for many of us it may take longer to get where we need to go. You have to throw away your timelines, disregard comparisons to others because it is like comparing apples and oranges. You will meet those milestones but in your time and in your own way. Don't be afraid to ask for help, try medication, and take time off if you need it. It's no longer about making the outside match the inside; it's wearing the inside on the outside with pride.
But the inside never matched the outside. People saw good grades and conscientiousness on the outside; whilst anxiety and impostor syndrome because of my difficulties lurked on the inside. People used to compliment me on how organized I was with my to do lists and notes; little did they know that I would be completely dysfunctional without them. The streamlined conveyor belt that is medical school allowed no room for learning differences. You were expected to learn in certain ways, meet milestones at certain times, and all the feedback I received was "compared to others at your level". While I understand the challenges faced when trying to train hundreds of doctors in a timely fashion, this system did more harm than good for me. It made me feel like I didn't deserve to be there and I gradually developed anxiety about trying to "be like everyone else".
Being diagnosed in my final year of medical school did not afford me much time to deal with these challenges before starting residency. The bar was raised, responsibility increased, hours increased, yet I had few more insights on how to work around my limitations.With each passing month, I felt myself falling ever more behind. The same criticisms day in and day out. "Your performance is not where we would expect it for someone at your level". The anxiety continued to grow as I became more and more fearful about not meeting others' expectations. After months of crippling anxiety, the negative feedback slowly started to infiltrate deeper and deeper. The sun shone a little less brighter, exercise gave a little less high, each day I had a little less energy. But it all seemed to so justified, I mean who wouldn't feel that way working 80h work weeks? When you are working crazy hours, anything you are feeling seems justifiable. Too tired to cook, too tired to go to the gym, too tired to eat, too tired shower. But it wasn't until I got physically sick that I realized how unwell I'd actually become.
I took a few weeks off to recover physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I decided behavioural intervention was no longer sufficient and made the difficult choice to start medication to treat my ADHD and the associated comorbidities. I saw a quote somewhere that really stuck with me "If you can't make your own neurotransmitters, storebought is fine". Like anything else it was trial and error until I found something that worked for me. I'm not out of the woods yet and I still don't have all the answers but if my time off has taught me anything it is that there is a place for people with disabilities in medicine. We add a whole new layer of insight, wisdom, and diversity to the field. These differences should be embraced instead of being seen as a hindrance or inconvenience.
Not everyone will experience their disabilities the same way, but for many of us it may take longer to get where we need to go. You have to throw away your timelines, disregard comparisons to others because it is like comparing apples and oranges. You will meet those milestones but in your time and in your own way. Don't be afraid to ask for help, try medication, and take time off if you need it. It's no longer about making the outside match the inside; it's wearing the inside on the outside with pride.
