Why I had to fail before starting med school

Now this may seem like an odd title, but with a few months of medical school under my belt I can reflect on how things are going. I can check in within myself and see how happy and stressed I am. Overall, it is good news. I'm really happy (I can't remember the last time I felt this intellectually satisfied), have still kept up almost all the activities I did before medical school, and for the most part, am not too stressed (most of my stress in fact comes from things that have absolutely nothing to do with school).

A week ago I walked out of a midterm with that sinking feeling that I didn't do as well as I had anticipated, and maybe even went as far as failing. I later found out that I did just fine but at the time I couldn't shake the feeling of foreboding. Looking back on my high school and college self, who used to cry at any grade below 80, I've realized how far I've come to be very content with simply passing; a complete redefinition of success. During my undergrad, I encountered a few little speed bumps but still always pulled it together and never really had to deal with failure. It wasn't until I struggled with impostor syndrome in my Master's did I completely fall apart and put myself back together in a different way. A better way.

As a pseudo retired perfectionist, perfectionism is an ideal I strive for but within the realistic limits that life imposes on it. Instead of an end goal, perfectionism is now a driving force inspiring me to do my best, whatever that may be, and never at the expense of other important variables in my life. My strategy for exam studying is no longer to know as much as possible to get the highest grade I can, but to UNDERSTAND as much as possible and retain as much important clinically relevant information as I can that will serve me well in my future practice. I feel like this strategy has made these last few months more pleasurable. I take breaks, nights off, full days off, and sometimes even full weekends off if I need it. Self care is now more important to me than anything and even though I will forever be below the class average with this attitude, I'm more than okay with that.

Although I have had sustained academic success since starting med school, I have failed in other areas of my life, especially my relationships. When anxiety reared its ugly head in the face of a tsunami of tasks to complete, my relationships suffered until I adapted. And I know this isn't the end. I have many more things to fail at, especially before I make it onto the wards where I'm seeing patients and lives are literally in my hands. And even then, I will still fail at times and that's okay because I've learned that how you handle failure and learn from failure is a form success. And I've been feeling pretty successful lately :)

Hands

Med school does funny things to you, like make you think about the little things at night (like hands). I really hope I'm not the only one who has this. So far one of the many beautiful things I have learned about (and thought about probably too deeply) is the importance of hands.

Not only are they unique to each individual, but in my eyes are one of the most important components of a patient interaction. You shake a patient's hand to greet them when they step into the room. Simply observing someone's hands can tell you so many things about possible medical conditions they may have and give subtle but important signs about their overall health. The ridges, lines, calluses can you tell you about the kind of life they have lived and perhaps where they work.The rings they wear tell you where their passions lie. Hands can be used to tell you about a person's strength in all senses of the word. They communicate various feelings, thoughts, fears; people talk with their hands. And what better way to send a message than by holding someone's hand, bringing them comfort, and demonstrating compassion. Never underestimate the importance of hands.