A glimpse into the future

I almost watched a life leave this world last week. And it hit hard because this time next year the life of others will gradually become my responsibility. It was my first day of a desperately needed break, I was headed out to a night on the town. As I stepped off one bus and waited for another, I watched the commotion across the street as numerous firemen and paramedics struggled to save a life. One of the paramedics was vigorously performing CPR while another was attaching the defibrillator. They all stepped back as the machine did its thing and CPR was resumed. This repeated itself until a viable rhythm was restored and they began to load the patient into the ambulance. People around me also waiting for the bus watched with worried eyes and fidgety fingers. As we got on the bus, people turned to their phones and back to their own worlds but I could not.

Bit by bit, I can feel myself starting to assume that doctor role and all of the challenges that come with it. I have always been someone who has always appreciated the 9-5 routine; being able to turn off your brain as soon as you leave the door and go back to your personal life. That doesn't exist in medicine. Life and death wait for no one. Medicine isn't just a career, it is like a spouse. You gradually learn more about each other, grow together, fight together, cry together. You have duties to uphold 24/7. In the same way you make yourself available to your partner, you accept being on call and all that comes with it because the return is entirely worth what you put in, but that doesn't make it much easier. I can't even begin to imagine how I will feel in a year from now, but I feel like I'll be ready.